2022 did not end particularly well. The last two months of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 saw a real drop in my mental health and I began to have frequent, sometimes daily, bouts of suicidal ideation. I don’t think the act itself was likely or much of a threat, but it had reached the point where I was making plans on how I would do it. Really detailed plans, like what day of the week would be best, what way would least impact the people around me. Really not nice shit. I had been off any kind of medication for my mental health for around 3 or 4 years at the time.
A few days before the end of 2022 I spoke with Libbie about it and decided that I really wanted to revisit medication options. In the new year I was able to speak to a professional and I was put on a new medication I had not used previously and at a higher dosage, it really worked for me. I specifically remember one morning in February whilst making breakfast for the kids that Libbie mentioned how fucking annoying it was that I was so happy and singing every morning. I’ve stayed on that medication and it has been working really well for me.
The only lesson to take from that is the same one as ever, talk to somebody. Seek help. It is out there.
So I guess the next obvious thing to talk about would be me hanging upside down in a crashed car. It’s weird because something that felt like such an important event at the time quickly faded into just “something that happened”. At first I had some issues with nightmares, a panic attack whilst the passenger in some one else’s car. There have been a few times whilst driving alone that I’ve hit a little wet patch or felt the car steer just ever so slightly out of my hands and it has set me off. I have ended up ringing Libbie a few times from the car just to talk to somebody and calm it down. I quite often think about the paramedic who told me I was incredibly lucky to have walked away from the crash. I feel incredibly lucky. In the grand scheme of things it was a relatively small thing, I didn’t survive a plane crash or a hostage situation; but it was terrifying and traumatic. I think it really stay with me in some way for the rest of my life. I joke about it now, and that is fine, but every now and then I think about it and it brings tears to my eyes. If the car had flipped and landed slightly different then perhaps I never see my kids again, I was told if I had a passenger they would have died, that bit stays with me often.
When I was back at work after the crash I ended up on a phone call with a client who I think I can at this point call a friend. Johnny is the singer in an awesome band, Pet Needs. They have a new album coming out this year, I strongly urge you to check them out. He told me about a similar experience he had when he as a pedestrian was hit by a car. He talked about how the trauma stayed with him for so long. He was really kind and spoke about the importance of taking time to deal with the emotions of what had happened and that by walking away without physical harm doesn’t mean there is not an emotional and psychological form of damage involved.
The next notable thing that happened in 2023 was a podcast I was listening to on the way to work one morning. Now, I will start this paragraph by mentioning that I am not somebody who self diagnoses. I think it’s really dangerous to google your symptoms and just begin deciding what is happening to you without consulting a professional. Anyway, the host of the show was talking about a medical condition they had been recently diagnosed with and the symptoms that had led them to seek help. Honestly, it was so fucking strange. Every single symptom that they listed was like a massive tick box for me, the way they described the symptoms was like using my own words. They spoke about the medication they had been given for the condition and the amazing change it had made in improving those symptoms.
I arrived at work and started looking up this condition and reading more about it. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. All of it, from personal blogs people had written to the NHS’ own guidance, it all made sense with my own symptoms. I messaged Libbie and said that I hate to be somebody that diagnoses themselves but asked her what she thought and shared some of the stuff I had found. She suggested that I should look into it, she also mentioned that she knew somebody with the same condition and that they had recently gone on medication that had improved things massively.
I contacted my GP, I explained it all and said that I really don’t want to be trouble or to self diagnose etc etc. As this was an e-consult I had to wait for a reply. I got it back and it felt condescending, belittling, and told me the wait for any kind of process would be more than a year. I felt like I was a time waster and I never replied.
I have just found the email again and re-read it. I don’t actually think their response was rude at all, maybe I just was having a bad day at the time. Regardless, I did nothing more. Now I think about the fact that a one year waiting list would mean I would now be nearly there. Instead I have progressed nowhere.
In November Libbie watched a documentary and then messaged me to say that she was more convinced than ever that I needed to seek consultation and diagnosis.
Private diagnosis is an option but it’s expensive. I need to think but one way or another I will progress this on this situation in 2024. I think it would be for the best.
The next thing of note in 2023 was the death of my granddad, in so many ways my hero. I have two grandfathers on my maternal side. I have the man who is genetically my grandfather, and then I have the man who loved me like a true grandfather. I have not spoken to my biological grandfather in more than ten years, I will never speak to him again. He has never met my son or my daughter, and he never will. He is the man who belittled and joked about my suicide attempt, the man who called me a wimp. He is the man who has spent his entire life bullying the people around him, until his own weaknesses meant he needed them. Once that needed lessened, he goes back to being a bully. He is the embodiment of everything that I don’t want to be.
My actual grandfather, Brian Taplin, only ever showed love, selflessness, and affection. It is no slight against anybody else in my family to say that he was the person that I most admired and aspired to be like. He was amazing. He also lived with the knowledge that something was going to kill him for quite some time. I don’t know how he felt about that in private, but the very few times he ever said anything about it to me it was always with his trademark smile and a bit of a laugh. I was very lucky to spend a minute or two alone with him on the evening he was rushed into hospital. I held his hand and got to speak to him. He wasn’t at his most alert but my granddad was there still. He didn’t die that day, but it was the last time I actually got to speak with him, and the only thing he wanted to speak about was my kids. He asked me about their holiday to Disney Land, and he told me to love them for him. That was all that he said. Simple, and full of love.
A few months later it was him that I kept thinking about whilst taking part in the Isle of Wight Ultra Marathon. I was so gutted to not complete the challenge and still plan to go back again this year and smash it. I lost three toe nails in the end, maybe I will go for a full set this time 🙂
Other things of note in 2023 that I want to remember: I got to see Bruce Springsteen live. I went to AEW All In at Wembley. Lizzie and I watched The Eras Tour at the cinema in our matching t-shirts. I managed to plan and arrange what I think was an awesome birthday gift for Libbie. I fell deeply in love with Ange Postecoglou and in turn back in love with Tottenham. I finished a two year D&D campaign set in my own homebrew world. I held mum’s hand when she needed it. I started playing golf again and got to do that with Cormac. My auntie came home. I went to Disney Land with family and had the most amazing time. I danced with my kids at my friends wedding.
There will be so many other moments I will remember that are not on that list either.
365 days is a lot of time to make good memories, and to try to outweigh the bad ones.
It has been neither a good year, or a bad year. It has been a year. 2024 is likely to be another.
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