Category: Personal

2022 did not end particularly well. The last two months of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 saw a real drop in my mental health and I began to have frequent, sometimes daily, bouts of suicidal ideation. I don’t think the act itself was likely or much of a threat, but it had reached the point where I was making plans on how I would do it. Really detailed plans, like what day of the week would be best, what way would least impact the people around me. Really not nice shit. I had been off any kind of medication for my mental health for around 3 or 4 years at the time.

A few days before the end of 2022 I spoke with Libbie about it and decided that I really wanted to revisit medication options. In the new year I was able to speak to a professional and I was put on a new medication I had not used previously and at a higher dosage, it really worked for me. I specifically remember one morning in February whilst making breakfast for the kids that Libbie mentioned how fucking annoying it was that I was so happy and singing every morning. I’ve stayed on that medication and it has been working really well for me.

The only lesson to take from that is the same one as ever, talk to somebody. Seek help. It is out there.

So I guess the next obvious thing to talk about would be me hanging upside down in a crashed car. It’s weird because something that felt like such an important event at the time quickly faded into just “something that happened”. At first I had some issues with nightmares, a panic attack whilst the passenger in some one else’s car. There have been a few times whilst driving alone that I’ve hit a little wet patch or felt the car steer just ever so slightly out of my hands and it has set me off. I have ended up ringing Libbie a few times from the car just to talk to somebody and calm it down. I quite often think about the paramedic who told me I was incredibly lucky to have walked away from the crash. I feel incredibly lucky. In the grand scheme of things it was a relatively small thing, I didn’t survive a plane crash or a hostage situation; but it was terrifying and traumatic. I think it really stay with me in some way for the rest of my life. I joke about it now, and that is fine, but every now and then I think about it and it brings tears to my eyes. If the car had flipped and landed slightly different then perhaps I never see my kids again, I was told if I had a passenger they would have died, that bit stays with me often.

When I was back at work after the crash I ended up on a phone call with a client who I think I can at this point call a friend. Johnny is the singer in an awesome band, Pet Needs. They have a new album coming out this year, I strongly urge you to check them out. He told me about a similar experience he had when he as a pedestrian was hit by a car. He talked about how the trauma stayed with him for so long. He was really kind and spoke about the importance of taking time to deal with the emotions of what had happened and that by walking away without physical harm doesn’t mean there is not an emotional and psychological form of damage involved.

The next notable thing that happened in 2023 was a podcast I was listening to on the way to work one morning. Now, I will start this paragraph by mentioning that I am not somebody who self diagnoses. I think it’s really dangerous to google your symptoms and just begin deciding what is happening to you without consulting a professional. Anyway, the host of the show was talking about a medical condition they had been recently diagnosed with and the symptoms that had led them to seek help. Honestly, it was so fucking strange. Every single symptom that they listed was like a massive tick box for me, the way they described the symptoms was like using my own words. They spoke about the medication they had been given for the condition and the amazing change it had made in improving those symptoms.

I arrived at work and started looking up this condition and reading more about it. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. All of it, from personal blogs people had written to the NHS’ own guidance, it all made sense with my own symptoms. I messaged Libbie and said that I hate to be somebody that diagnoses themselves but asked her what she thought and shared some of the stuff I had found. She suggested that I should look into it, she also mentioned that she knew somebody with the same condition and that they had recently gone on medication that had improved things massively.

I contacted my GP, I explained it all and said that I really don’t want to be trouble or to self diagnose etc etc. As this was an e-consult I had to wait for a reply. I got it back and it felt condescending, belittling, and told me the wait for any kind of process would be more than a year. I felt like I was a time waster and I never replied.

I have just found the email again and re-read it. I don’t actually think their response was rude at all, maybe I just was having a bad day at the time. Regardless, I did nothing more. Now I think about the fact that a one year waiting list would mean I would now be nearly there. Instead I have progressed nowhere.

In November Libbie watched a documentary and then messaged me to say that she was more convinced than ever that I needed to seek consultation and diagnosis.

Private diagnosis is an option but it’s expensive. I need to think but one way or another I will progress this on this situation in 2024. I think it would be for the best.

The next thing of note in 2023 was the death of my granddad, in so many ways my hero. I have two grandfathers on my maternal side. I have the man who is genetically my grandfather, and then I have the man who loved me like a true grandfather. I have not spoken to my biological grandfather in more than ten years, I will never speak to him again. He has never met my son or my daughter, and he never will. He is the man who belittled and joked about my suicide attempt, the man who called me a wimp. He is the man who has spent his entire life bullying the people around him, until his own weaknesses meant he needed them. Once that needed lessened, he goes back to being a bully. He is the embodiment of everything that I don’t want to be.

My actual grandfather, Brian Taplin, only ever showed love, selflessness, and affection. It is no slight against anybody else in my family to say that he was the person that I most admired and aspired to be like. He was amazing. He also lived with the knowledge that something was going to kill him for quite some time. I don’t know how he felt about that in private, but the very few times he ever said anything about it to me it was always with his trademark smile and a bit of a laugh. I was very lucky to spend a minute or two alone with him on the evening he was rushed into hospital. I held his hand and got to speak to him. He wasn’t at his most alert but my granddad was there still. He didn’t die that day, but it was the last time I actually got to speak with him, and the only thing he wanted to speak about was my kids. He asked me about their holiday to Disney Land, and he told me to love them for him. That was all that he said. Simple, and full of love.

A few months later it was him that I kept thinking about whilst taking part in the Isle of Wight Ultra Marathon. I was so gutted to not complete the challenge and still plan to go back again this year and smash it. I lost three toe nails in the end, maybe I will go for a full set this time 🙂

Other things of note in 2023 that I want to remember: I got to see Bruce Springsteen live. I went to AEW All In at Wembley. Lizzie and I watched The Eras Tour at the cinema in our matching t-shirts. I managed to plan and arrange what I think was an awesome birthday gift for Libbie. I fell deeply in love with Ange Postecoglou and in turn back in love with Tottenham. I finished a two year D&D campaign set in my own homebrew world. I held mum’s hand when she needed it. I started playing golf again and got to do that with Cormac. My auntie came home. I went to Disney Land with family and had the most amazing time. I danced with my kids at my friends wedding.

There will be so many other moments I will remember that are not on that list either.

365 days is a lot of time to make good memories, and to try to outweigh the bad ones.

It has been neither a good year, or a bad year. It has been a year. 2024 is likely to be another.

A few months ago our CEO at work posted in one of our work chats suggesting that we should put a team in for the IOW Ultra. I had never heard of it before but found out it was a 106km continuous walking event around the costal paths of the Island. Now I’m a fat dude but I do consider myself relatively fit, I can run a respectable distance at a respectable pace, and walking is easier than running right? And if nothing else I know that when I put my mind to something that my stubbornness and determination will see me through. So I signed up.

I will be the first to admit that I didn’t take preparation as seriously as I perhaps should have. My only real preparation being a 25k walk and buying some new walking boots and blister plasters.

In mid-march we went away on holiday for four days to Disneyland Paris and when we got home I looked at my phone and found that I had done just over 40km over that entire holiday. Hmmmm, my feet were a little sore after that and it wasn’t even half the total I’d be doing. Fine though, right? Right?

My 25k walk had taken me 5 hours so I went from that, added in some time for rests and decided that I was hoping to finish the Ultra somewhere in the 24-28 hour range.

So roll around the 29th April… actually, let’s start on the 28th instead. I had been offered two guestlist tickets to see Lottery Winners and Pet Needs at the Engine Rooms in Southampton by the lovely Johnny, lead singer of Pet Needs. I couldn’t turn that down right? Yeah it meant a lot of standing the night before the ultra but that will be fine though, right? Right?

Pet Needs were fantastic, as ever. I got to chat with Johnny and his brother George after their set. We talked about the t-shirts we’ve been printing for them at work and how much their fans have loved the change to a sustainable option. They are off on tour around the US in a week or so with The Bouncing Souls then coming back to for an as yet unannounced support tour which I think might be NOFX!

So 7:30am on Saturday and I leave the house. My bag is packed light, with just my hoodie, two water bottles, a mobile phone charger, and some painkillers and blister plasters. I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt, in retrospect not a great choice but it’s my default attire for literally everything.

I met up with the rest of our team and during registration I got talking to another participant. This was his fourth ultra challenge. He was really friendly, gave me some advice about pushing through when you hit the mental barrier, and the euphoria you feel upon finishing. This really does set the tone for so many of my interactions over the weekend. I had assumed a slightly competitive atmosphere but everyone was so lovely and supportive. Most of the people I ended up speaking with had travelled over to take part and this was rarely their first. It seems like this is the sort of thing people really get a taste for doing.

There was a brief warm up and then we set off at 8:30am. So I’m not really very good at conversation and chat, so despite walking as part of a team from work my plan had been to use podcasts and audiobooks as the soundtrack for my walk. I walked with some colleagues for the first few km and chatted before eventually putting my headphones on. I listened to the latest episode of Acceptable in the 80s, a few times wondering if it was too loud and if anybody walking alongside could hear my laughing as the hosts discussed how much pubic hair they thought various 80s celebs likely had.

When that podcast ended I switched to an audiobook. My wife has been telling me for a year or so that I should read James Acaster’s “Perfect Sound Whatever” so I had purchased the audiobook and dove in. It was really good, especially helped by some early discussion of Bowie’s ‘Black Star’ one of my favourite of his albums.

The walk up until the first rest stop at 10k was mostly uneventful but quite scenic. There were a couple of spots where we had to make our way down some very steep, muddy steps so there was a bit of a bottleneck as the long line of participants headed down. I did the classic slip and regain balance once.

Arriving at the first rest stop I spotted the rest of the work team, other than 3 I knew where shortly behind me. Everyone was in good spirits and seemed to be feeling very confident. I grabbed a pastry and a banana at this point and then decided to deal with a blister I could already feel developing on my right foot. This was the same spot I picked one up during my one training walk so I wasn’t too surprised. I stuck a compeed on and prepared to continue. This was probably the last time I would see my feet in a state that I could call normal.

I had also worked out by this point that the jeans were a truly terrible idea. I had messaged Libbie who was going to go into town to buy me some non-denim shorts and then see if somebody could bring them out to me at the next rest stop.

There were two routes to the next stop, depending on if you were doing the quarter challenge or the half/full. For those of us doing the longer challenges it was 11km away. This is where things started to change, for the first time hills became a thing and they are a game changer. Nothing horrific, but we were now outside the realm of just placing a foot in front of the other and repeating. During this section I caught up with George from work who was struggling badly with blisters on his feet and said that he was considering dropping out. I told him that getting this far alone was an achievement if he was already covered in blisters and wished him luck. I was determined coming into this to keep my own pace, I didn’t rush to keep up with others or to slow my own pace down and elongate the challenge, so on I pressed.

I decided to really give myself a little extra oopmh on the hills I would switch from an audiobook to music instead and hope some energetic tunes would keep my pace steady. I popped on the album ‘Fractured Party Music’ by Pet Needs and I also posted something in their fan group on facebook noting that just a few hours before I had been at their gig and was now using their tunes for motivation on the challenge. Amongst a few replies, one of them was from a guy named Darren who mentioned that he had also been at the gig and was now on his way to the Island as he was one of the Trek Masters for the second half of the course, leaving the halfway point at 1am. He then replied again saying he had found me on the event tracker and that my times were going well so far. I remember thinking what a coincidence it was for us to have these two events in common and how kind he was to check my progress. I told him I was hoping to be past the halfway point by 1am but that I would look out for him at halfway. Remember Darren, because he will become a big part of my story.

When I reached Freshwater Bay there were two things to note. Firstly, we were off grass for the first time and walking across a shingle beach. The hard, uneven surface really made a difference to the soreness of the blisters and hot spots on my feet. I decided now that I would really like the rest of the trail to stick to grass. It did not. The better thing however was spotting my step dad Steve and my brother Cody waiting for me. They had headed over with my new shorts as well as extra blister plasters, some anti-blister roll, some water, and some chub rub (I have fat thighs, sue me).

I nipped into the nearby toilet and got changed and immediately knew the shorts were a far better choice. More comfortable, less weight, plus a chance to show off my killer calves. Steve mentioned that if I needed anything else over the weekend just to let him know. I would take him up on this in a number of ways as it turned out. For now he was a motivational support but in a little over 24 hours that would become much more literal.

Around 40 minutes later, after climbing Tennyson Down, I made it the the second rest stop. The rest stops alternate between a minor and a major stop. The minor stops have medical stations, light food options (pastry, fruit, drinks) and toilets; the major stops have more of a meal option as well as room for supporters to come and see their friends and family as they progress. At this stop we were given a sandwich lunch which was really good quality. Just before arriving I had passed our CEO on his way out, keen to continue. The rest of our team were all here, other than the few having to do a slightly longer walk to make this the finishing line.

Whilst I had lunch and recharged a little an older guy sat next to me and began chatting. He told me that he was 68 years old, weighed 18 stone, and had a lung problem, but had completed 16 50k challenges before but he had just withdrawn from this one at 21k as it was too much for him. He told me how disappointed he felt. I remember thinking how crazy he was to think that when he had done so much. This is another feeling I will re-address later in my own challenge.

The walk between the second and third rest stops was longer than the first two and had a lot more changes in terrain. We started by heading over Tennyson Down to Alum Bay, then over Headon Warren which was quite steep and slippy in spots. From there it was down into Totland Bay and along the front to Yarmouth. The change of scenery was quite nice but there was a lot more hard surfaces which again were really starting to hurt my feet. Whilst walking along the seafront a gentleman named Paul asked if I would mind if he walked with me for a short period. He wasn’t taking part in the Ultra, instead he was on the Island to take part in the bicycle randonee the next day. He walked with me for about 2km, we talked about his own experience having done some walking challenges around Guernsey and Jersey, and that a few weeks ago he had been taking part in a kayak race from Devizes to Westminster! He was a really sound guy, told me what a great effort I was doing for a first timer. He asked why I had chosen to walk for cancer research. We spoke about my Nan and how she had been given a terminal diagnosis when I was a young child, and that through the help of charities like Cancer Research UK she was still here today. I then told him about my Grandad and how he had died very recently. Grandad hadn’t died of cancer himself, but I very much came into this with him on my mind. The cause I was raising money for was the reason he got to spend 30 more years with his wife than he has expected. I teared up a little bit and Paul said that my Grandad sounded like a truly great man. On the off chance that you ever read this Paul, thank you. You also seemed like a truly great man.

I continued through Yarmouth, which is much bigger than you think! Then we headed off the roads and pavements and onto the coastal path through Bouldnor. Darren had told me that he had heard there was a very muddy section between 36 and 38km and he was not wrong. It was horrible. One participant had slipped in the mud and badly injured his leg. He was laid on recovery blankets in the mud whilst the medical teams were trying to figure out how to get him off the path and to an ambulance, whilst we all careful sludged our way past. At this point a group of three ladies began talking to me and asked if I had done this before. I told them I had not and one of them laughed and said that she was surprised “I was watching you walk and you seem like a very methodical walker, I can see you just focusing on the end and pushing onwards even with all this mud”. This made me laugh. When I had first told Libbie about this walk she also laughed, then told me that I was arrogant for thinking that I could do it, then she said that she also thought that I would do it because “you’re weird like this and will just keep going even if it hurts”. I walked with them for a while, they asked what I did for a living and they seemed genuinely very interested in our work and asked for our website address. As the mud continued I pulled ahead of them and did not encounter them again. They were only doing the half and I wish I had remembered their names to check their finishing times at the end.

Eventually I reached the third rest spot and was delighted to find pick and mix including Haribo jelly babies (gods gift to humanity). Some of the work team were also here, all of whom said that last stretch had been hard. Aidan in particular was in a lot of pain with one of his feet and decided to go and see the medical team to see what they could do. I had not used the medical stops yet but had heard they were great, I would later be able to confirm this hand as they stuck things into me multiple times!

I left that rest stop before the work crew, and pushed on. As I reached Newtown I saw Libbie, Lizzie, Cody, Steve and Bowser all there waiting for me. I got to hold Lizzie’s hand as they walk with me for half a kilometre or so. It was such a great moment and really perked me up. They also gave me a headlamp as I had forgotten to borrow one earlier in the week. Lizzie told me she had been making me a sign but had not yet finished it so she would send me a photo on facebook later.

As it started to get darker, just after the 44km mark I saw a lady in front of me just collapse sideways into one of her friends, then down to the ground. Luckily the friend had spotted her going down and was able to kind of catch and lower her safely. Whilst her two friend tended to her I rang the emergency number for the event and explained the situation and where we were via What3Words. She was conscious but her blood pressure had dropped severely. The lead medical consultant for the event advised she would be unable to continue and that they would send a vehicle to collect her and take her to be checked on. I felt bad for not waiting with her but her friends insisted I should carry on.

Walking through Porchfield the crowds of walkers had really died off and I was mostly alone, just with my headlamp and the sound of occasional passing cars. As we neared Northwood the path turned off the road and into the forest, a warden warned me that there was a very muddy uphill section coming. He was telling the truth. I made it through there in the darkness and then found myself walking in the dark through Parkhurst Forest. I could head the movement of wildlife around me but could see nothing, it was actually quite exciting. This was now an adventure!

From there we came out near the halfway point at the county showground. Walking along the road here I got speaking with a lady who was doing this for the second time. She was alone but had started with a friend who had withdrawn for health reasons. The previous time she did it she had a similar experience, when her walking partner developed shin splints. We walked to the halfway rest stop together, discussed our plans for how long we were planning to stop for and agreed that we’d both aim to be here for 90 minutes or so and perhaps we would walk the next stage together.

That’s me at the halfway rest stop, and honestly I felt pretty shit. I spotted one of our team who was doing the half challenge. I unfortunately missed the rest of them arriving and finishing whilst I was grabbing some hot food. Spaghetti bolognaise was great and a really nice filler but I didn’t want to eat too much and fill up. After I finished eating I removed my boots and socks and my feet were pretty disgusting. My left foot was swollen and covered with blisters but the right was really worrying me. It hurt a lot and my pinky toe was a really purple colour. I wanted to stop now, so I decided I needed to get moving again before this thought had time to develop.

Whilst mulling this over one of the Trek Masters walked over and asked how I was doing and what I had made of it so far. I didn’t recognise Darren initially, having only seen his profile picture on facebook earlier in the day. He introduced himself properly and we began talking. We discussed the show the previous night and how awesome Pet Needs had been. He told me he wasn’t really into Lottery Winners which is absolutely fair. He also mentioned he had hosted one of the Pet Needs house shows on the Borrowed Toothpaste tour last year, incredibly cool! We never planned to walk together but that is how things would develop.

I got up and went to the starting area. After dark you can’t leave on your own, you either need to be part of a group or wait for one of the Trek Masters to head out. I waited for a little on my own before a group of the event staff said nobody else was waiting right now, why don’t I go and grab a cup of tea and when the next group was ready they’d come find me.

I sat down with a tea and I immediately felt a change. I had gone to leave because I needed to get moving. Now that I had sat down again I was done. I messaged Libbie and told her that I couldn’t do any more. The organiser who had told me to take a seat came over and offered me a foil blanket to wear under my hoodie over night and that the next group would be leaving in a couple of minutes. I told her thanks but I was done now. She sat down next to me and asked why. I told her my foot really hurt and my pinky was a strange colour. She asked why I was walking and what charity I was doing it for. I told her Cancer Research and she looked me in the eyes and said “Firstly, as a cancer survivor, thank you” then she said that must mean I was walking for someone. I told her that I had recently lost my Grandad and I began to cry. I haven’t really cried much since he died, but I guess the exhaustion and tiredness just put it all out. She told me that he would be proud of me no matter how far I got but asked what he would probably tell me if he was sat with me now. I thought about it and all I could think about was him laughing at the thought of it all, really. She told me to go see the medics to look at the toe, and that if they took care of it in return I would have to promise to see her to the finish line. So I did, and I headed over to the medical tent with Grandad heavy on my mind.

The medic looked at my toe and started by telling me that the toe nail was a write off and would fall off in the next few days. The colour, she told me, was due to a large blood blister. She could drain it but it would likely refill. That was ok though as it could be drained again if need be. She couldn’t drain it as much she would have liked as she couldn’t see the condition of the skin below the blister itself. It instantly felt a million times better though. I asked her if the toe nail would grow back and she told me it should do but it can take up to a year!

I headed back out and found Darren now preparing to leave with his group of walkers, four women. I joined them and off we headed down the cycle path and into Newport. One of the ladies in the group had a knee injury and talked about how much harder she was finding the tarmac in comparison to the earlier grass stages. Another of our group was a lady named Kate who was nothing short of inspirational. She is in her 60s, with two hip replacements. She does every Ultra challenge, every year. She has done more than 130. She has done the London marathon twenty times, and numerous other marathons. She told me she raised money for a learning disability charity which was important to her family. She didn’t speak much but she was probably the most inspirational person that I met all weekend.

Coming into this I hadn’t thought that the overnight portion would differ from the day, but man did it! Your body clock is telling you to stop so hard. Kate was struggling to keep pace with the rest of us so Darren stayed with her and said I could carry on ahead if I was comfortable. I was walking the Newport to Whippingham cycle track in the dark, I passed the 60km mark at 2:58am which is around when Darren caught back up with me. It was a very misty night and you couldn’t see much at all. Gone were the scenic parts of the challenge and instead it was just pavement and mist.

Darren was a fantastic partner to walk with. When I wanted to talk, he did. When I was feeling a bit surly and wanted to keep quiet, he respected that and let me continue on. As we headed through Binstead towards Ryde I could feel tiredness setting in. I thought I could fall asleep on my feet a few times.

The day before my good friend Jake had told me that he would meet me at the rest stop in Ryde and reward me with a whole packet of Haribo Jelly Babies no matter what time I arrived. As I was approaching the stop, headed down St Johns Hill at 5:30am, there he was as he had promised. The fact that one of my friends had gone out of their way to not only meet me, but to buy me jelly babies and walk with me really meant a lot. I introduced him to Darren, and the three of us walked on. I wasn’t massively talkative still but it was a good morale boost.

I didn’t want to slow for anything so Jake took a picture of me passing the 70km mark as we arrived at the rest stop. I sat down and became really aware of how painful my left foot now was. I told Jake I wasn’t sure about continuing but like any good friend he wouldn’t hear any of it. I took my sock off to take a look, and unfortunately for Jake he got a look at just how bad it was.

I headed to the medic station again and asked them to take a look. The medic said the left foot was covered in blisters, so many and so wet that it was hard to say how many there were. One had definitely bust so he cleaned that one up a little and bandaged it, before draining three others. He asked “You’re not scared of needles are you, by any chance?” I just nodded and said I would look away! He told me the blisters were pretty far gone but the drain would reduce the pain for now.

Darren and I decided to head back out and Jake said he would join us for a bit before heading back to his car once the local shop opened. The three of us chatter and I once again felt reinvigorated and ready to do this. As we passed Puckpool and into Seaview, Jake said he would need to turn back here. I’m not very good at being serious with my feelings so I played it off as a bit of a joke “Well thanks for coming for a bit, mate”. What I really meant to say though was “Thanks mate, I think I was going to quit again if you hadn’t been there”.

Darren and I made really good time on this next section. We had a 12km walk to Culver Down, then 12km to Ventnor, and then one final 12km stretch to the finish line. We were hitting 4km per hour which I was happy with. I felt more awake and able to talk. Darren and I spoke a lot during this segment. We spoke about how Darren got started doing this, we spoke about how I knew Jake, we spoke about who would be at the finish line when I got there.

I haven’t said too much about the event and the staff so far, but writing about Darren seems the perfect time. Everybody involved is so lovely and supportive. I can not say enough positive things about Action Challenge as an organisation. Darren, in particular, was amazing for me. I never asked him to do the rest of this with me but he just did. When I struggled he kept me going, and when I was positive he stoked that even further. We spoke a little about keeping in touch after all this and how when we got the to the finish we would never to get a picture together for the Pet Needs fan group, Fractured Party People.

During this section we passed the 79km mark and for some reason this really sparked me. It was the first time I truly thought I was going to get there. I started picturing the finishing line and the feeling of crossing it. Coming into all this I had known the song I wanted to listen to as I finished, a song that means incredible amounts to me. I won’t say what that is, until I get to the finish line.

At the bottom of Culver Down we met a female walking alone who was looked pretty defeated. Her knee was in pain and she was tearful. We spoke briefly and then I was quiet and watched as Darren did his thing. I recognised him asking her some of the things things that he had asked me over night when I was struggling. It was then that I realised he wasn’t just a volunteer who was walking the trail, he really knew how to read people and to support them in whatever way they needed at that moment. The three of us then headed up the steep climb and made it to the 6th rest stop. ALL THREE OF US WERE GOING TO FUCKING FINISH THIS!

I had a pizza bread for breakfast at the stop and it was great. I also changed into some dry socks. My feet were looking really bad now but I had to keep going. My Dad rang me and asked how I was going. It turned out he had been tracing my position through Seaview and Bembridge in his car to meet me but we kept missing him as we went off road. He told he how proud he was of me for getting this far and it meant a lot. My Dad and I have never had a bad relationship at all, but when I was younger I found him difficult to speak to. I think I was still in that period where you are young, and you don’t want to show weakness to the other males around you, so I never spoke about my feelings or my mental health with my Dad until I was in very dark places. I always remember the way that my Dad responded to my suicide attempt, and how loving and open he was to it. Since that time he has always been one of my biggest supporters with my mental health. Even though we hadn’t met up this morning, just knowing that he had been out there looking for me meant so much. My Dad is a legend. (It’s also thanks to him that I’m a Tottenham fan so he’s not all great!)

We set off again feeling positive. It was just Darren and I again. The downhill section here was tough as it means your feet slide forward in your boots and put pressure on any blisters you have. We made it to Sandown bay and then the walk along through to Shanklin Chine. Darren and I got talking about football. He is a Brighton fan and told me they had won 6-0 the day before! We soke about Graham Potter and what a bad choice the Chelsea job had been for him, and we spoke about what a wonderfully run club Brighton are.

We climbed up around Shanklin Chine and towards the path to Ventnor. The hills loomed ahead and I knew this next section would be tough. I didn’t yet know this would defeat me. We climbed up a hill, then down. Then up another, and down. We went up some stairs, then down. I started gagging a little and felt like I desperately needed to throw up, and on a few of the climbs I felt a little light headed. I was definitely dehydrated and could feel that, I was also sunburnt.

We made it down another hill and saw a steep climb ahead. For the very first time between rest stops I told Darren I needed to sit down for a moment. So we did, and we sat in silence for a minute or two then Darren said to me “I think you need to consider whether you call it a day at the next rest stop.” He said he could see I was struggling with the hills and that he knew the last section had the worst climbs of all. I immediately started crying. At this point it was so fucking close. I could picture it. I could hear that song in my head. I could see my Grandad, and I could remember holding his hand and speaking to him one final time in the hospital just weeks ago. I cried, and I was even a little angry at Darren in a way. He said it was my decision but he thought I needed to properly consider it.

We got back up and pushed along and I found the hill really hard. My left foot was agony by this point and our pace was shot. We made it to the top of the hill and then I turned to Darren and said that I think he was right. We were at least going to make the rest stop though. At this point I was walking through the streets of Luccombe with tears down my face. Tears of pain, but most tears of disappointment. I felt like such a colossal let down. I was letting myself down. I was letting Lizzie down after her sign and all the video messages she had sent me. I was letting Steve and Cody down after they had twice gone to the effort to come and meet me. I was letting Libbie down who had worried so much about me doing this. I was letting Jake down who just hours ago told me I was going to smash this. I was letting down the lady who at midnight had made me promise to see her at the finish line.

By this point I was basically dragging my left foot. I stopped to sit down again and Darren was brutally honest to me “Listen mate, you’re done. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I don’t think I can let you carry on for your own safety”. I just sat there and cried. At this point I knew that Steve was waiting to meet me once again at the next res stop, but at 93km (well, I actually stopped about 4 metres short) I was finished. I could barely stand up.

I rang Jake and asked if there was any chance he could come and pick me up to go meet Steve and see the medical team. Then I sat on the pavement as others walkers passed me. I alternated between more tears and with just feeling sorry for myself. Each walked that passed either said “Come on mate, not far now” or “Are you ok? You can do this” Every one is so supportive but I was checked out now. I could barely muster a polite reply.

Jake arrived and I barely got to my feet before throwing myself into the front of his car. He took us to the next rest stop where Steve was waiting and Darren took me into the medics. I am told it was the worst foot she had seen over the weekend so I am taking that as a victory. As I was not continuing she did not want to do any more draining or poking and instead wrapped it all so I could get home and then assess. Darren told me that a normal Ultra Challenge was 100km, and that with all the extra walking I did at the rest stops (and the two times I went off track!) I could still get a 100k finishers medal but I told him I didn’t want it, it wouldn’t feel right. So I would get a 50km finishers medal instead.

One of the staff let me lean on him out of the medical station and then Steve put his arm round my shoulder whilst I leaned my weight onto him and hobbled to Jake’s car. In the car there was Jake, Steve, Nic and Leah. They were all so positive and having fun. I tried my best to not sour the mood but all I wanted to do was find something to punch. I had let myself down so badly.

We got to Chale where my car was parked. Jake dropped us off and I slumped into the passenger seat of my whilst Steve went to take my geotracker back for me. As I sat there I just wanted to scream. Then I saw Steve walking back over with Darren. Darren was bringing over me 50km finishers medal and t-shirt. I thanked him for everything and we agreed that we would meet up again. I told him I wanted to come back and finish next year, he said that if that was my goal he would meet me to do some training walks ahead of it.

So there is me and Darren, at the finish line. Not as victorious as I had hoped but I know now that looking back I had achieved something. I also can see how right Darren was to make the call and tell me I was done. It had all been an amazing experience, and I think my genuine highlight of it all was meeting this amazing guy.

Steve drove me home and all my muscles were beginning to ache. I felt myself drifting to sleep a few times. I got home and spoke with Libbie and the kids before hobbling, practically crawling, up to bed and falling asleep.

The following morning was gruesome. My bandages and plasters all came off and we got to see the state it was all in. My toes all stuck together with a combination of blood and puss. I couldn’t bear any weight on my left foot. I made it to the toilet only by leaning on the walls and the banister. Libbie insisted I did a 111 online check up. It told me to go to the hospital but I just couldn’t face it.

I’ve been using crutches to get around whilst trying to spend as much time in bed as possible. I haven’t left the second floor of the house for 48 hours now! If I still cannot take weight on the foot tomorrow I need to go back to 111 and go to the UTC so they can assess. I feel melodramatic and pathetic but I just can not walk on it. I had been putting slippers on, to then go to the toilet but the slippers have been getting stuck to my feet and toes and leaving lots of fluff and hair in the wounds!

I also feel back into the bath when trying to get out! Go me!

So in conclusion would I recommend an Ultra Challenge to others? 100%

Libbie doesn’t want me to do another one but to me this is unfinished business now and it will niggle away at me. I still cry when talking about not making the finish line. I need to hear that song. I am hoping with some training and time she will let me do it next year. Like I said, unfinished business.

I didn’t complete it, but I did raise £545 for an amazing cause close to my heart. I did it thinking of you Grandad.

Thank you to all of my amazing family and friends for the support during and after the challenge. I truly believe it when you all say how proud you are, but I don’t feel proud of this and that’s why I need to go again. I need to cross the finish line with that song in my headphones.

Because I’m not dead yet.