My path to an ADHD diagnosis has been long and stressful. Maybe I’ll write about that some time in the future but for now let’s talk about today.
Today was my first day on methylphenidate, or Concerta XL. I’m taking 18mg a day in the morning, and after the first seven days that will increase to 36mg per day as I work with my prescriber to find the right dosage to manage my symptoms whilst minimalizing side effects.
I’ve tried to come into today with low expectations and an open mind. I’ve seen the videos on YouTube of the people who talk about their first day being a life changing experience and how it bought them to tears. I’ve also read articles where people talk about it taking time to build in their system. I’ve even seen people talk about how it increased their anxiety, something that left me concerned about how I might cope.
I took the pill just after 7:30am and nothing really happened. I carried on with the morning routine at home and then jumped in the car with Libbie and Lizzie. Libbie asked if I felt any different and I said no, just a bit nervous perhaps.
I dropped them both at school, popped on a podcast as usual and began driving to work. As I was nearing the office I suddenly thought about how I was really listening to the podcast and not just using it as background noise like I normally would. Maybe something is happening, or perhaps in some kind of placebo effect I’ve just made myself focus.
I arrive at work and get on with the day as normal. It’s not until around 11am that I suddenly think to myself that I’ve been working on the same task for 40 minutes now and haven’t found myself switching, or with the overwhelming noise of all the others things I feel I need to do instead. I again begin to think it’s probably a placebo thing, then I step back and think about how my constant assumption that nothing is wrong, that the medication isn’t doing anything is another symptom of my condition and my lifelong habit of not showing compassion towards myself.
I internally belittle and question everything that I do or feel. It’s not that bad Sam. Stop being melodramatic. Why are you being so ignorant and not listening to the person talking to you. Why are you so fucking lazy that you never get anything done?!
It was shortly after this while speaking with a colleague, who is unaware of my diagnosis or medication, that he made a comment that I had a “buzz about you” today. Is this actually doing something?
By the time my lunch break rolled around I was feeling really quite emotional and overwhelmed. My brain was being really quite quiet. The constant noise and narration and stress had not manifested today. I felt present and in the moment, something I rarely describe myself as.
I text Libbie and then my Mum to tell them a little about my day and how it was going, and then I just started crying. I sat in my car in tears as the silence and the “slowness” of the moment just took over me. I never feel like this, I never “stop”. There is a constant internal monologue that is either telling me what I need to be doing or berating and criticising me for everything that I do. It’s like that wasn’t there. Everything had got a little more quiet.
I decided to cut my lunch short. I wanted to make the most of this feeling and whatever was happening today. The rest of the day was positive but overwhelming. I found myself able to focus. When members of my team asked me for assistance I was able to really give them the time they deserved rather than spending the conversation thinking about all of the other things that I needed to do.
When I finished work I got in the car and drove home in silence. No podcasts or music like I would normally put on. I wanted to savour the quiet and the calm for just a little bit. I can’t stress to you enough what an alien experience that was for me. I just drove and breathed out, relaxed.
After getting home Libbie wanted to talk more about how it had been for me and I told her about it. I cried a lot. As she was talking I just kept thinking about all the conversations I usually have in my daily life. With my family, my friends, my co-workers and how I’m never really paying attention. I nod, I agree, I try to focus but I’m never really fully “in”. Within moments I have forgotten what they said, if I ever took it in at all.
It’s common for me to be in a conversation with somebody and suddenly realise that I have no idea what they are talking about. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel like a really shitty person. Like I owe people an apology. Like a bad friend, a bad parent. I am trying very hard to understand and accept that the things I have spent 39 years berating myself for are symptoms of a neurological condition. I’m not lazy, I’m not rude, I’m not selfish. Actually, I can be all of those things at times. This condition does not absolve me of blame or responsibility; but there are reasons why I am the way that I am.
This evening has been a continuation of that quietness. I feel drained. I am not tired, but I am drained. It’s been an emotional day and I suspect as this continues over the coming weeks there will be many more days like this. Maybe this is as good as it will get, maybe as the dosage increases and my body adapts it will get even better, maybe this was just a one off and the medication does nothing. I will do my best to accept whichever of these outcomes arrives, and to do so with open arms.
I feel incredibly grateful today to have been able to get a diagnosis. To be able to say there’s a reason for all of these things. I feel excited to see how this progresses.
I want to end this by apologising to everyone I know for all the times I never truly gave you my attention, but I hope that you will understand it was never my intention to deny you my focus. If you are reading this I can almost certainly guarantee that at some point I have internally argued with myself about how I have interacted with you at some point, that argument is a product of my lack of self compassion. That’s the next thing to work on as this all hopefully begins to normalise.
In the new year I plan to spend time (and money I assume) with therapy. To talk about all of the underlying thoughts and feelings that have bubbled away for decades. I hope to learn how to treat myself the way that I so often tell others to treat themselves. I would like to learn to love myself.
Today was very emotional.
(Holy fuck, I just spent thirty minutes writing this with no background music, no videos, and no distractions. WHAT. THE. FUCK.)